Three Pounds to Go

Tonight I weighed in at 138 pounds. Miraculously, I lost a pound, despite a couple of mini binges earlier in the week. I could have been even closer to goal had I stayed on plan. This week I am recommitting to plan 150%. Tonight I splurged on a blondie and though I only ended up dipping into my reserve points a tiny bit, it's good health guidelines and filling foods from here on out. In the end, I didn't feel that the blondie was worth the extra points. Don't get me wrong, it was delicious, but all the sugar and butter sat in my stomach for hours, making me feel quite disgusting. I'm so close to goal and it scares me. I've been able to master losing weight before. That's always been the easy part, but am I ready to finally keep it off?

Confessions of a Snackaholic

While devouring several frosted spice cake rounds, I realized that I don't share my failures nearly as much as my successes. Believe me, this is not because I think I'm all that great, I still have self-esteem issues that I'm working through. I have shared the hurdles I've had with exercise, but I've been rather secretive these last 9 months about my food related ups and downs.

Sometimes I just snap. Lately, I feel as if I've been slipping back into my old maladaptive eating habits. Though it's on a much smaller scale, I'm still concerned. I've been over-snacking and mini-bingeing. Chips and salsa, hummus and pita chips, ice cream, and popcorn are all examples of foods that can throw me over the edge if I'm not careful. I have to be very mindful when consuming these things because I am....a snackaholic. In front of others, I am generally able to show some restraint, but when alone the portions are more likely to spiral out of control.

Tonight I was able to stop myself from a full out binge. I got home knowing I had 2 points left for the night. I was planning on using them for a single severing bag of pizza flavored pretzels, but then I noticed not 1, not 2, but THREE!!! containers of frosted spice cake rounds on the breakfast nook table. I say rounds because they were the thickness of a cookie and texture of cake, but that doesn't matter; all you need to know is that they were delicious and disarming creations of a butter-crazed demon (my mother). And so it went that I consumed the pretzels, the spice cake, a serving of deli turkey, and 5 wheat thin flatbreads with WW cream cheese. I almost ate more. I wanted the left over orzo, ice cream, cottage cheese, and peaches. After stopping to assess my hunger level, I knew I had to stop. I didn't want to, but I was able to overcome my urges.

I haven't really shared this before. I feel a lot of shame around not being able to control my eating. It feels really good when I can say that I ate exactly what I should have for the day and not a morsel more, but I'm just not perfect. I can't always trust myself with food and that is why I'm learning how to deal with that reality. In the past people have tried to help me with my portions by questioning my habits which only increases my shame and feelings of being out of control.

The past couple of weeks it has been my goal to curb my snacking. I wrote down a bunch of activities that make me feel in control and positive on little slips of paper. Each time I feel like snacking when I'm not hungry, I want to pick an activity out of the jar that will make me feel better than the food does.

I want to be successful in the long-term this time. I will be successful. I can change this.

Back! 65 pounds lighter.

Hello hello. Yes, I know it's been a while, but here I am again to bare my soul. Last week was my birthday and I was busy spending time with loved ones and doing absolutely nothing whenever possible. Leading up to my birthday, I worked ten days straight, so I didn't have the time to play on the internet.

Who am I kidding?! I've been losing focus and getting bored with my weight-loss journey. These last pounds are annoying. I wish they'd just go away. If it was up to me, I wouldn't lose any more weight, but the Weight Watchers rule is that I have to maintain a weight of no more than 137 pounds in order to achieve lifetime membership and attend meetings free of charge. I'm a size 4! It's ridiculous that I'm still considered overweight to WW, the National Institute of Health, the fashion industry and others.

My new goal (other than to get to goal) is to tone. I would really like to become more fit and active.

Today I weighed in and I have lost 65 pounds since I started WW and I just cracked the 130's!!!!

Lose For Good Campaign

TODAY ONLY!

Weight Watchers is donating $1 ($25,000 max) to Share Our Strength and Action Against Hunger for every mention of the Lose for Good Campaign on blogs, facebook, Twitter, and MySpace.

Help me spread the word!

What's your goal for the duration of the Lose For Good Campaign? I hope to lose an average of 1 pound per week and earn 5o AP by October 17th.

5 Pounds to GO!!

Tonight was my first weigh-in in two weeks due to Labor Day and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I've lost 3.2 pounds! I currently weigh 140.2 pounds. Today I also raised my goal weight because I don't want to lose much more weight.

Is anyone else excited for The Biggest Loser to start again tomorrow night?!!

Tomorrow I have a manager's meeting I have to go to for an hour. I've decided to bike to and from.

My apologies for the truncated post, but I have some things to attend to.

Check in

Things have been better and my mood has improved somewhat. I took the advice of one of my new blog buddies and increased my exercise. To get motivated I joined a challenge on Weight Watchers eTools to earn 100 AP's by Halloween. This week I earned 9 AP's in 4 days, but I definitely paid for it. Only a month ago I was a 34DD and now I am a 36B/34C (*sigh*). They always say that your breasts are the first thing to go when you're losing weight, so I was convinced after losing 60 pounds that I was going to be able to keep them. I was rather attached to that fatty tissue...

Tomorrow is my weigh-in. Hopefully I've lost a couple of pounds. This will be my first loss in 3 weeks. I didn't have a Weight Watchers meeting last week and I missed it :(. I look forward to going every week and socializing with my friends there. These days I get odd looks from newer members, but I still know that I belong; we are all there for the same reason. The weight is falling off slower and I need all the support available, so that I can stay focused and push through. I can't wait to hit goal and go through maintenance, so that as a lifetime member I won't have to pay $40/month anymore. I am thinking of raising my goal weight to 135 because people are wondering how much more weight I can afford to lose. I'm on the fence. When I set out, I thought a size 4 would be a good goal, but now it's not about the size. I'm a 6 (down from a size 18 at my largest) and am fairly comfortable with that.

Sometimes I do have trouble seeing the "new me". I can see it in my face when looking in the mirror, but when looking at my body alone, it still looks the same to me for the most part. There are parts that still look big, like my legs. Is this evidence of distorted body image or is this normal?

In other news:

I am currently trying to scrounge together some money to take the GRE because I have decided to bite the bullet and take on extra education debt and get a master's degree at the local state university.

A Little Down

I have been feeling off lately and it's showing on the scale. Last week I gained 1/2 of a pound. I was very active the week before (for me). I had exercised for 20 minutes, 3 different times. Last week that number fell to 2 times and this week I have yet to break a sweat. I think about exercising, but I don't.

It's hard to describe how I feel. I just want to sleep all the time, but of course I cant. It's hard to find joy in the every day. I hate my job and the fact that 47% of my income goes to student loans. I'm in a hole and it feels like I'm too deep to dig myself out.

Even though I don't have a bed and can't afford groceries, some would say at least I have my health. Right now that's just not enough.

I need something good to happen. I really, really need it. Unfortunately, everything good that's happened I've had to work very hard for, so I'm hoping something good will happen that doesn't take any effort from me because I'm fed up with treading water.

I almost prayed today