Right now is one of those times I could power through not just one, but yes, 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream...and not the light kind.
I feel so alone.
I wrote before that I realized that I wasn't loving myself before and now I am finally falling in love with me, but I still feel this empty spot. I am lonely! I am in dire need of a companion or close friend. Don't get me wrong, I have friends, but they all live far away and have their own busy lives. We just don't talk much.
Before this week I had 4 men (I generally have more male friends) that I talked to on a regular basis. I talked to them often and I didn't really feel lonely. Then almost all at once:
1.) 1 became a lot more busy in their life and just doesn't have the time for me anymore
1a/2.) after telling another person they didn't want them speaking to me
3.) Another male that I had been speaking to alot and was hoping to maybe date entered into a relationship over the weekend while I was dragging my feet and protecting my heart. It's my fault because I actually told them I only wanted to be friends, but I only did that so they would take the time to get to know me before anything romantic happened; I was trying to build a solid base.
4.) One guy that I had only been on 1 date with told me he wanted to be with me and asked me to move back to Massachussetts. I stopped talking to him for a few weeks and then he said he was willing to work on a friendship with me, so I began speaking with him again. But then, he starting talking about spending his life with me, I told him I questioned his mental status, and he stopped calling.
So here I am, single and lonely, with friends who never call. I would give anything for a companion or a friend right now. I have tried to push away feelings of envy over this Valentine's Day weekend. I am still bitter that my engagement failed terribly only 7 months ago. Everyone at work was talking about all these romantic things. One 71-year-old woman's husband came into the store with flowers behind his back and said, "My darling, we've lived our lives together 50 years so far, will you honor me by still being my valentine?" It was the sweetest thing I've seen because my relationships so far have been very weak on romance, but it was torture to hear and see these people with love in their lives.
Usually I have my family, but my mother is on a cruise for about 10 days. She is my best friend in this world and I already miss her dearly.
I need to find something to do on my two days off this week. Something to make me feel good that doesn't really cost a lot of money.
P.S. I am weighing in tomorrow, so check back soon for the weight update!