While devouring several frosted spice cake rounds, I realized that I don't share my failures nearly as much as my successes. Believe me, this is not because I think I'm all that great, I still have self-esteem issues that I'm working through. I have shared the hurdles I've had with exercise, but I've been rather secretive these last 9 months about my food related ups and downs.
Sometimes I just snap. Lately, I feel as if I've been slipping back into my old maladaptive eating habits. Though it's on a much smaller scale, I'm still concerned. I've been over-snacking and mini-bingeing. Chips and salsa, hummus and pita chips, ice cream, and popcorn are all examples of foods that can throw me over the edge if I'm not careful. I have to be very mindful when consuming these things because I am....a snackaholic. In front of others, I am generally able to show some restraint, but when alone the portions are more likely to spiral out of control.
Tonight I was able to stop myself from a full out binge. I got home knowing I had 2 points left for the night. I was planning on using them for a single severing bag of pizza flavored pretzels, but then I noticed not 1, not 2, but THREE!!! containers of frosted spice cake rounds on the breakfast nook table. I say rounds because they were the thickness of a cookie and texture of cake, but that doesn't matter; all you need to know is that they were delicious and disarming creations of a butter-crazed demon (my mother). And so it went that I consumed the pretzels, the spice cake, a serving of deli turkey, and 5 wheat thin flatbreads with WW cream cheese. I almost ate more. I wanted the left over orzo, ice cream, cottage cheese, and peaches. After stopping to assess my hunger level, I knew I had to stop. I didn't want to, but I was able to overcome my urges.
I haven't really shared this before. I feel a lot of shame around not being able to control my eating. It feels really good when I can say that I ate exactly what I should have for the day and not a morsel more, but I'm just not perfect. I can't always trust myself with food and that is why I'm learning how to deal with that reality. In the past people have tried to help me with my portions by questioning my habits which only increases my shame and feelings of being out of control.
The past couple of weeks it has been my goal to curb my snacking. I wrote down a bunch of activities that make me feel in control and positive on little slips of paper. Each time I feel like snacking when I'm not hungry, I want to pick an activity out of the jar that will make me feel better than the food does.
I want to be successful in the long-term this time. I will be successful. I can change this.