I have to admit...

To tell the truth to all. I fell apart during the holidays and all my goals went out of my mind. I am not sure what I weigh, but I am sure I am right back where I started.

I will be starting weight watchers very soon.

Today is Another Day

"A man's errors are his portals to discovery"
~ James Joyce (Irish novelist)

Yesterday is in the past. Without yesterday's blunder I wouldn't know what I needed to do to change tomorrow. It's apparent that it's very important for me maintain a routine. When I was in routine I was doing very well. Then, for a few days I stopped blogging, I stopped counting calories, and I still wasn't exercising.

Right now I am behind on my goal. Friday is supposed to be my 3rd weigh in and I have only lost 6.5 pounds as opposed to the full 7 I should have lost by last Friday.

This is my plan today. If I don't do this, I really wish someone could kick me in the ass. Right now I am going to get off of this couch. Then I will make myself 2 eggs which I will eat with an orange and a cup of tea. Immediately following, I will get ready for the gym where I will stay for no less than 2 hours.

Slip Up

When I first started this blog, I decided that I was going to be candid about my experience. Today, for the first time in years, I had a relapse. I don't really know what happened. I was doing so well with my plan, but for the past 3 days I haven't logged my consumption. Last night I ended up going out for Burger King because we saw a stupid commercial on TV. Don't get me wrong. The burger was good, but I felt so horrible after. I ended up falling asleep and woke up in the morning resolved to go to the gym. I waited around for my roommate to finish playing video games for 2 hours because he said he wanted to go with me. What did I do while I was waiting? I ate. So, we were finally on our way when we had to turn around because he had to go to work earlier than expected. I ended up going right away by myself because I knew if I went inside my house that the gym would never happen. However, I get to the gym and all of a sudden my MP3 player doesn't work and I can't run without music; it motivates me and keeps me working hard. I ran for as long as I could without my music, but my workout was very short. Come to find out, my roommate was curious about my MP3 player and turned it on, but couldn't figure out how to turn it off, so the battery drained and he forgot to tell me. So, I get home and find this out, and I am mad...What do I do? I eat. I tried to call a friend to vent and it didn't make me feel any better, so what did I do? I ate. How did I feel after I ate?? Too full. What did I do?

I don't plan on this happening again. My eating just got out of control and then I got to a point where I knew what I was doing and how it was going to end, but I didn't stop it.

Feeling The Weight

Today I looked into the mirror after my morning weigh-in and I didn't see any difference in my body. I was feeling a little discouraged, so I decided to try something. I grabbed some meat from the freezer and apparently I had 2.5 pounds of steak tips in there! Feeling the weight in my hands was exactly what I needed. 2.5 pounds may not be a lot, but it's something.

Why You're Not Going to Lose Weight

What she says about starvation mode is one of the reasons why I gained 130 pounds in 10 years. My eating disorders messed up my metabolism and made my body think it was only a matter of time before another starvation period would come.

The first week of this new lifestyle has gone well, but I have one major worry. Am I eating enough? The first couple of days I was never hungry, but that hasn't been true of these last few days. My caloric intake seems a little high for a diet at times. Some days I ate closer to 1600 calories. Hopefully cutting out wheat, caffeine, and refined sugars will help will help.

I pretty much know what I should be eating from all those dietitian sessions my mom paid for when I was anorexic/bulimic, but I have not yet come across an article that has been able to explain to me how much I should be eating. I came across one site that asked me for my body fat percentage and then told me I needed to only eat 1,000 calories a day. I wrote that site off immediately because there is no way that a 1,000 cal/day diet would ever work in the long run.

Any suggestions?

First Week Weigh in!

I reached my goal! It turns out that my calculations were right, but to keep this momentum I will have to change some things. This week I was out of town and didn't even exercise.

Starting weight: 201.4
Current weight: 198
Initial Goal weight: 160




I really like that this week I could still basically eat whatever I wanted. I didn't eat leftover pie every day or go out to eat and have pasta with cream sauce, but I could still go to restaurants like a normal person. I went to Pizza Hut and Olive Garden!

A few things I want to work on next week:

• Cutting out wheat
• Eating a little more protein
• Exercise
• Cutting back on the caffeine
• I want to eat closer to eating 1400 calories- this week some days were pretty close to 1600. My hope is that cutting back on caffeine will help me not feel so hungry. If I am still hungry, I think I might have to stay at 1600 because I don't want my body to go into starvation mode.

Top 10 De-stressers

One thing I have noticed while living in my own skin is that when I am stressed I have a tendency to not move a muscle. Hmmmm...let's put this together with the fact that I don't have a job, am living with a friend who drives me crazy, and have gone through a couple of traumatizing experiences recently. This spells diet disaster! I have also recently fallen out of contact with one of my closest, most supportive friends, so what is a woman supposed to do?

Maybe I should back up and clarify something. I am not particularly worried about my diet or policing my caloric intake (something that I have proven to be quite good at in the past). I am worried about the stresses of life dragging me down and keeping me in this sedentary lifestyle. The title of my blog may be misleading. I am not just on a diet. I am creating a new life for myself; one where I live with a healthy body, mind, and soul!

In order to do this, I need to de-stress and stay active and happy regardless of who or what is pulling me down emotionally. What things work for me? Here's my top ten:

1.) LISTEN TO MUSIC- This is something I have been doing to de-stress for as long as I can remember. Just ask my mother. I don't know if there is anything that centers me more than music I can feel in my veins and lyrics that tell my stories. Popular favorites when I was a teenager were "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by the Smashing Pumpkins and "I'm Just a girl" by No Doubt. Angry songs are also good for keeping your energy up while doing bicycle crunches.

2) SING- I love to sing loud and proud in my room all by myself while, of course, listening to music. If I am feeling sad, it's actually not detrimental to my overall mood that day to listen to, and sing, sad songs. When I find the right song that expresses what I am feeling, singing it vents off that negative emotion. Eventually I will move onto angry music (if sad) and then right on to the happy stuff. Note well ladies: If you are mad at, sad because of, needing, hating, or loving men, then Mary J. Blige is your one-stop shop.

3.) DANCE or DANCE & SING - I have loved doing this since I was 3 or 4. This picture is not of me as a child- the only microphone I have ever sang into was attached to my Fisher Price cassette player. I used to put on performances as "Madonna" for my family ;).

It may look kinda wacky to anyone watching a hidden camera, but it feels so good to let loose and express yourself.

Just dancing by yourself is great, too! Loud Hip Hop really gets me energized and dancing. I am always sweating in no time. I like to put songs on repeat that tell me to "drop it to the floor", "drop it like it's hot", "get low", or "touch the floor". That may sound funny, but it really works your abs and lower body at the same time!

4.)READ- A great novel is always nice, but when I am really in a funk, escapist reading is where it's at. I aspire to read the literary cannon, but I love a good, quick read that allows you to step into another life.

5.) WRITE- This is tricky for me. Sometimes writing can release the load, but sometimes it causes me to ruminate on unpleasant things even more.

6.) WORK OUT- This is something I really need to work on, but when I make it to the gym I feel 150% better. I feel a future post coming on... How to get your ass to the gym.

7.) VISIT FRIENDS OR FAMILY- It's hard to visit family when you live far away, but it feels so good when you are around them, no matter how messed up you all are. Today I spent time with so many different members of my family. I love them all to pieces. Family is great because when I am with them they bring out the best in me. They also don't leave you (for the most part). Friends and lovers are great, but they aren't always there through thick and thin. In my experience, they never are.

8.) TALK TO FRIENDS OR FAMILY- A good tool. You shouldn't have to go through everything alone. People will always be busy leading their own lives, but close family and good friends always call back.

9.) WORK- Work is a de-stresser for me because it forces me to leave my emotions and struggling personal life at the door. When I am alone the story can often be much different.

"My name is Megan... and I am a ruminator."

"Hello Megan."

10.) PAMPERING- This includes retail therapy. Hair, nail, and facial care are favorites of mine also. I miss pamper nights with the ladies, but until I make friends in this strange new city, it's just me, bitching about men in my head...

Before

This is the best "before" picture I have. Almost all of my pictures show only my face.

Starting a Diet During the Holidays??!!

Yes, I am. When is there going to be a better time then today when this is something that should have been dealt with several holiday seasons ago? I want my health back. I want my energy level back to the way it was. I don't want to have to feign confidence. The holidays have always been a time of feasting and socializing in my family, but I think I will enjoy them just as much without trying each kind of pie that enters my visual field.

I guess it's time to step away from the cheese platter and my grandmother's fruit salad and finally answer those complicated questions everyone likes to ask.

My First Weigh In

Age: 23

Height: 5'2"

Current Weight: 201.4

Initial Goal Weight: 160

Lowest Desired Weight: 130

Size: 16

P.S. Not my legs

Blogging My Way to Success

I have decided to join the thousands of people that are utlizing the blogosphere as a support to achieve their goals. Yesterday I hopped on the scale and to my chagrin, despite my dieting attempts, I am maintaining a weight of 200 pounds. The good news is that this is an improvement over my post-failed engagement weight of 215 pounds. The bad news is that this is not healthy for a short woman.

I spent the entire day mulling over strategies in my mind. I compiled a spreadsheet using templates I found online. I decided to journal my daily consumption, exercise, and weight change. I did some research, and according to my calculations, I could drop 40 pounds in 12 weeks! Since I compulsively track my budget and spending, why couldn't I do the same with my weight? I think the difference is that I feel more shame at experiencing a weight loss failure than I do if I don't meet an income:debt goal.

Having been in the throes of disordered eating habits for years, it is hard for family and loved ones to sensitively support me from day to day. This may just be the ticket to getting through the emotional ups and downs on my journey to a new body for life.

I welcome all comments. I hope to be sharing good news with you all soon.

If you are interested in using my file, you can copy and paste it from Here.